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When you need some one to hear you, talk to blog!

19th February, 2008. 4:12 pm. Rant rant rant rant raaaaaant!

Because NOTHING I say makes sense to anybody!
Because it all comes out wrong.
Because im not strong enough to REALLY say whats on my head.
Because tomorrow ill be 29 and I havent reached the "grown up" goal of being able to properly express myself.
Because im fighting with everybody, when all I wanna do is love them all.
Because i wanna fall into a hole.
Because I want it all to just go away.

Im extremly tired.
All this pent up crap isnt even worth it. I know it and cant get myself to be over and done with it.

Im gonna do that silent scream that Ive become so good at.

Current mood: angry.

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29th January, 2008. 12:13 pm. Innapropriate = funny!

22










http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com/

Current mood: impressed.

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28th January, 2008. 11:10 am. Tashay does not/can not/will not <3 David. Note to self.

David. He was that moody kid who every one wanted to know more about. For what ever reason, he wanted me around.
Not that he ever opened up, but he wanted me and I was whole heartedly there.  Although id know him since we were kids, we didnt get together untill I was 19, him 21.

Long story very short, he went away. Bad things happened to him and he did VERY bad things.

About 7months ago David pops up, via Myspace.  All fluttery nerves and what ifs and starry eyed we agreed to meet up.
This was a different David. Slightly scary and broken. All the rumors id heard about him were true. And this time he was asking for help. This time he wanted to talk.

Over the months i started to feel his energy weigh on me. He was (is) incredibly detached. Im fearful for and (almost) of him.
Hes' the wrong person to be around. If i were on the outside looking in; i'd strongly advise a friend to let it go.

I did. I was good for a while. He stopped leaving me voice mail, i stopped pretending i'd call him back.
Then his birthday came around. His 30th birthday.  I sent him a text.


More time on the phone, but i kept the excuses coming on why we couldnt hang out. Im braver on the phone, you see, i can always hang up. Its harder to physically walk away from some one. Im a wuss.

Lately ive been tired and pinged and confused. Lately every thing is outta reach. Lately Ive been lookin for an anchor.

David calls in the middle of this and asks me to go on a date.  A friend of his was hosting a poetry reading and he knew thatd be up my ally.
Prior to the poetry reading we'd see a movie. Sounds nice, why not? Who knows? What if? If only.

Sunday afternoon, he's off from his job at the museum at 4:30. We're to meet in the square and buy tickets to Rambo.

Yeah...Rambo. I objected when he first suggested the movie. He was making a compromise with the poetry reading, I might as well make one with the movie.

He buys our tickets, i buy the corn. We settle into seats and attempt small talk.
Small talk aint so easy with the guy whos heavier than sin. He talks football. I nod and watch his face.
As more people enter the theatre i realize myself as the only lady in the room.

The movie starts. Scenes of  war  and pain and suffering. Im getting teary as the boys in the audience hoot "RAMBO!"
and high five each other.

Fifteen minutes in and the most horrific scene is playing out. I closed my eyes and tried to fight the sick building up.

My skin was prickly and I knew i wasnt gonna be able to sit through this movie.  All at once David grabs my hand and tells me that we can leave.
I run for it. Barely make it to the ladies room before i lose my lunch. A lunch i did not have, which makes vomiting all the more painful.

Once i straighten up, splashed water on my face and "brushed" my teeth with my index finger, i walk out to look for Dave.
He's sitting on a bench with his head down. He apologizes over and over. Me in my ultra embarrassment assure him all is well.

We make our way to the ticket booth. He'd suggested we try another movie. As he looks over the movie listings, a little girl stands in the middle of the room and wails.
My head buzzing and on the verge of tears myself, i walk over to her. I kneel down and introduce myself. I gave her a hug.
She cant find her dad and is understandably upset.
I ask her name, her fathers name, what movie she was here to see. Hand in hand I walk her to the ticket booth and ask what theatre Alvin and the Chipmunks was playing in.
I feel her loosen her grip and turn to run. He father has shown up. He yells at her for walking away. Turns out she's gotten up in the middle of the show;  WITH OUT him noticing!

All of this in under two hours and twenty two minutes of time together. I honestly had one of those "the universe is trying to tell you something" moments.
In a huff, I told him that i "Hated this", that i needed to get outside.
We get outside under a light sprinkle. He apologizes more and im getting sad. I ask him to hug me, he does and I walk away.




Current mood: blah.

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5th October, 2007. 11:36 am. I dont know romance

 At least according to Mr.Marber, a 76 year old patient of my office. 
I spent 23 minutes being serenaded, schooled on the love songs of Mr.Nat king Cole and Mr.Duke Ellington.

"Do you know this song, young lady?"  *proceeds to sing in the middle of my waiting room*

"No, sir, i do not"
 
"What a shame, you dont know romance. Music just isnt the same for Kids these days. This ones from 1927." *breaths deep from the diaphragm and sings. Swaying across the waiting room*

"Very nice Mr.Marber. Who wrote that one?"

"You dont know it?"

"No, sir."

"Youll know this one. I know it"

"Actually, sir. If the song wasnt written In the 1980's i cant imagine that i'll win this trivia game" * i was joking of course, but he was unamused*

He proceeds to shake his head at me and call me "Poor girl" 

All this from a 76 year old Las Vegas resident, wearing assless chaps and a green cable knit sweater covered in cat hair. Ride the hog, Mr.Marber. Have a safe ride home. Thanks for diggin up my no - romance- having insecurities on this other wise pleasant friday.

Current mood: morose.

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20th September, 2007. 11:40 am. I hate checking the mail.

 Bills, credit  card offers and ransom notes. Blah!
I remember being mad excited as a kid to get things addressed to me. Now a days, If i can avoid the box for a few days, I'll do it.
But, i want to get back to that old timey excitement of checking the mail. Im too old for a Highlights subscription *weeps* and too not a gay man for a Play girl subscription.
I want a pen pal! Ive googled  "Adult pen pals" .....uh, bad idea. Prison pen pals and naughty letters are not what im looking for.
Do i have to pose as a fith grade student to get in on the PenPal action? Cuz, i'll do it. 

Current mood: good.
Current music: M.I.A - Buckey Dun Gun.

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27th August, 2007. 2:44 pm. Sweet romance

Im a people watcher. Its free creepy fun, yeah, i said it.
So, im on my lunch break watching a couple about 30 feet from me. They were standing very close, toe to toe. He was twirling his fingers through the ends of her hair *le sigh*
Her hand rested on his shoulder.
I stopped watching, went back to my book. From my side vision i noticed the movement of the two walking away from each other, so i turned my attention back to them.
They walked a few paces apart, turned back to wave...a few more paces, turned to wave..a few more paces...i started to get sick.
Finally the man stopped, and very lovingly, with all the yearning in the world in his eyes ( yes, i insert my own fantastical emotions into my people watching) watched her walk away.

Sweet, right? That "watched her walk right of my life" stuff only happens in song!

Then, two feet out of her sight he turns and in a "cats away" type manner, lights a ciggy!
I wonder what else he's hiding from her! The evil smoking murderous cheating bastard!
Cuz people watchin aint as fun if you dont add a little soap opera deceit into it.

The end.

Current mood: mischievous.
Current music: Bob Dylan- Dont think twice.

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21st August, 2007. 10:32 am. Sweets...*note to self*

Just arnt as good when you have to ask for a bite. 
Whats sweeter than some one offering up a share of  something nice?

Begging, will always leave a bad taste in your mouth.


Current mood: blah.
Current music: Amy Winehouse - Some unholy war.

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10th August, 2007. 9:18 am. Cheer up menu

Yesterday was just a blue day. I went home early and took a nap.
Upon waking, i had the biggest hankering for junk food. A cheer up, screw-a-diet meal, if you will.

                ~Menu~

Frozen White Castle cheeseburgers (2)

Ore Ida Seasoned crinkle fries

Miller lite (2)

Rocky road ice cream




Gross, right? I havent had a white castle slider in years. But, Jesus, Mary and Joseph, it worked!


Today will be a better day (for all of us, i hope).



Current mood: hopeful.

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9th August, 2007. 1:15 pm. Gracefully bowing out

This day is getting progressively worse. Im going home. im going to sleep.



Current mood: sad.

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2nd August, 2007. 11:35 am. Girl stuff

Some time last month i was washing clothes. I go to pull the dark load out of the wash and noticed that my most favorite pair of leggings, black with white skull and cross bones, are wrapped around the dumb spinner thing.
Grrr. My leggings were all twisted and stretched and twisted and strecthed. It was bad. 
Domestic diva that i am, thought that a good go round in the dryer would shrink them into place.
Forty five minutes later, i pull them out to examine. They looked pretty good to me.

Fast forward to today, i decide to wear said leggings with a black tunic and my new Steve Madden Mary janes. ( Note: im realizing how 80's/ inapropriate my outfit sounds. Jeez, Tosh!)
Mirror check, lookin good, kid.
Leave the house to catch my bus, strutting down the street. I feel the damn leggings creepin, very slowly down my butt. Check the scene to make sure no ones watchin and i hike them bad boys up.

I think most women have had that moment when you realize that youre either under or over dressed for the occasion.
Today was that moment.
Ive got major cleavage, damn booby tunic. Paired with saggy leggings.
I feel like a saggy diaper slut baby. It aint cute.

My doc has been out the office all this week. So all of us have been testing the casual dress code limits. The cats away....
I think i take the prize today *groans*

No big, i will stay safely tucked under my desk.



Current mood: embarrassed.
Current music: Beyonce- Irreplacable.

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